Nightmares of a Frozen Heart
by Write-To-You
Summary: "At night, when he sees her pale, lifeless face against the pillows, that's when it's the worst. That's when the nightmares come and attack him with such force that it's all he can do not to call her, just to make sure that they're not true." (post-3x18, SPOILER ALERT -Druto, I'm talking to you- but and AU where doesn't Caitlin... you know)


**Author's Note: Hey again, everyone! Here's a little something that popped into my head -actually, popped into my head a few minutes after the Flash ended, but that's beside the point- and just pushed and pushed until I was like, "ok ok, calm down, muses, I'll write it. Geez." But mentally. I mean, really, people already think I'm crazy. No need to prove them right.**

 _Everything was blurry._

 _Flashing. White. A buzzing sound. She had flat lined. So pale. So cold._

 _Cisco's screaming. His own sobs, echoing inside his head. So pale. Cold cold cold... she shouldn't be that cold._

 _She was gone. Gone and never coming back. Gone and cold and dead. Never... never... never..._

Julian startled upright. He was trembling all over, Caitlin face burned into his memory. It was going to be there forever. These nightmares were going to be there forever.

He passed a shaking hand over his face, scrubbing it down his cheek and over his chin as he let out a heavy sigh. His fingers itched, and he glanced to the bedside table, where his phone was lying innocently. It was calling to him: _Julian... you can use me... she wouldn't mind..._

At night, when he saw her pale, lifeless face against the pillows, that's when it was the worst. That's when the nightmares came and attacked him with such force that it was all he could do not to call her, just to make sure that they're not true.

But Julian resisted, instead falling back on his bed and re-closing his eyes. He fought for a better picture then her cold, grey face. One where she was smiling. Maybe right after they had kissed, and she was looking at him with her eyelids heavy, peaceful... content...

He drifted back off.

 _The steady beep...beep...beep was interrupted by terrible shaking. His hands pressed her her shoulders, fastfastfast calm her down, get her heart going again._

 _The shock paddles felt heavy in his hands. He placed them on her chest. They zapped her once- twice- three times. Nothing. Please. Please don't go._

 _She was still and quiet, not breathing, not even twitching anymore. The only sound was the buzzing of the heart monitor. Flat lined flat lined flat lined. She was gone..._

When Julian woke up this time, he felt leaden. He didn't even sit up, simply laid on his mattress with tears sliding silently down his face. If seeing her dead face didn't, the nightmares were going to break him, soon.

Once again, his phone called out to him. He even reached for it, but when he saw what time it was, his arm fell limply back down to the bed. She was still resting- still recovering. He couldn't wake her up with his problems.

It was late enough to get up, so Julian pulled on clothes in the dark and stumbled to his kitchen to make coffee. He sat with his cup on the balcony, watching the sun come up, it's brilliant colors making everything seem maybe not so bad. She was still alive, and he was going to see her at work today. He would be alright.

Julian was nearly dead with exhaustion by the time his day at the STAR Labs and the precinct ended. Caitlin was still in her lab, getting used to being back on her feet and working on the team again. Cisco had already left, and Julian was forcing himself to wait to go home, not wanting to leave Caitlin alone. It wasn't that he thought she'd have a relapse... he just didn't like it, not caring to be alone himself, lately.

Even with all his best intentions, his eyes were getting dangerously heavy. Maybe if he just closed them for a couple of seconds he could regroup enough to drive home...

 _Cold and white. He hated cold and white. He would never be able to see snow again without thinking of her lying on the sheets. Cold and white. Cold and white._

 _It was beating in his head, in tune to his hands, pressing down_ hard _on her chest. One-Two-Three-Break-One-Two-Three-Break-One-Two-Thee-One-Two-Three..._

 _There was nothing left. No air in her chest, no color in her cheeks, no sound except Cisco's cries. Numb numb numb. Everything was numb, and she would never be there again to warm him up, to love him and turn him into someone who was better._

 _He should have saved her._

This time, Julian didn't wake up with a start, and it wasn't because his dream ended. Someone was shaking him, none too gently.

"Julian- Julian!"

Her voice was like honey dripping down a sore throat, like water in a desert, like aloe on a burn, like wow-he-was-cliche-when-he-woke-up-from-nightmares. Caitlin.

His throat felt raw, like he had been screaming. He blinked his eyes a few times, wiped his face, straightened up. His back ached in protest. How long had he been asleep?

"Julian?" Caitlin repeated his name one more time, and he was done for.

He grabbed her in his arms so suddenly she let out a squeak, pulling her foreword until his was pressed against his chest and partially sitting in his lap.

Caitlin blinked for a few seconds and he sobbed into her shoulder. "Julian, what's wrong? Are you hurt?"

He just shook his head, unable to form a coherent sentence. Caitlin stroked his hair gently, "Hey... hey, look at me." She leaned back, attempting to see his face. "Julian, you're scaring me."

Caitlin tilted his face away from her shoulder, using her thumb to wipe his cheeks. "Please tell me what's going on. You were just sleeping, then suddenly you started screaming and calling my name-"

She broke off, and he figured she had figured it out. Tears welled up in her own eyes, quickly, unexpectedly, but she forced them back. "I'm not going anywhere, Julian." She whispered, nestling more comfortably into his lap, and leaning her head on his chest.

He let out a heavy sigh. "I know... it's just... I can't stop seeing your face...de- dea-" He choked up, and broke himself off before he could start crying again.

Caitlin just hugged him, one arm tight around his neck, the other threaded through to rest on his back. He breathed in her hair, silently letting her presence relax her.

All too soon, Caitlin shifted off of his lap and to a standing position. "Come on, you need sleep." She wiped one last stray tear off of his face and pulled him up, too. He staggered from fatigue and numb legs. "Let's go home."

He was to tired to really process her words- if he had, it would have made him feel warm and fuzzy in all the right ways. Instead, he simply stumbled after her.

The clock in Caitlin's car read 2:04 by the time they pulled up at her apartment. She let him inside without a word, pulling off her shoes and taking out her earrings before walking into her bathroom. "Text the CCPD." She called, pulling a pair on pajama's over her head and handing him one of Ronnie's old shirts and sweats. "Tell them you'll take the day off tomorrow."

Julian complied, the bright screen blurry in front of his weary eyes. He didn't even protest when Caitlin patted the bed beside her, just pulled back the covers and tumbled in, already drifting off. Caitlin moved closer beside him, resting her head contentedly on his chest. Her warmth seeping through his thin night-shirt made him feel comfortable and cared for, and soon his eyes were drooping.

Caitlin threaded an arm around his waist, a motion that seemed to tell all the nightmares threatening his brain that they would have to get through her first.

It took a lot longer then usual, but they did, eventually, come. When they did and he woke up screaming her name, the first thing he registered was the feeling of lips pressed against his own.

He was shell shocked for a moment, trying to figure out what was going on through his sleep muddled brain. Caitlin only kissed him more, stroking his face with one hand and his back with the other.

"Hey." She whispered, gazing into his terrified eyes as she pulled back. "Can I promise you something?"

"What?"

"Even if you do, somehow, lose me, I'm never going to be gone." Caitlin breathed, curling back up on and mattress and forcing him down with her. "Even if I'm _physically_ gone."

"I get it." Julian murmured, managing a smile. "You're saying that your ghost will come and haunt me for the rest of my life-"

She slapped his shoulder and rolled her eyes. "Haha, wise guy. Go to sleep."

"Yes ma'am." Julian yawned.

The nightmares didn't come back.

 **Author's Note: Sorry if they were a little OOC, it's kind of hard for me to get a good grasp on Julian's character.**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed!**


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